I wish I felt like I was worth something to the world.
There is a certain abandonment
Feels like I've commited a crime--
Murdered my own heart.





So, I'm listening to Sigure Ros. That is pronounced "R-o-s" remember, not "Ross". Don't forget. It is some interesting stuff, icelandic speech.

I finally found 1984 by George Orwell in a monsterous used book store for four bucks. I love it. I'm going to go flag crazy on it with my Ophra flagger highlighting marker.

Right now I am reading Consider Phlebas. It is [insert swear word that means fabulous here]! The author of Neuromancer, William Gibson, wrote a positive review on it so I finally sucked it up and bought the damn thing. I am quite glad I did. The recounts I am about to give you may seem quite gruesome and disgusting and just plain revolting, but I assure you--the book is [insert swear word that means fabulous here]!

Well, I was about to give you recounts but on second thought... I'll do it when I finish the [insert swear word that means fabulous here] book.

"Geez, Banana! Shut your freakin' gob!"
Buwhahahahaha, I burst out laughing on the first line in Juno! (That was meant to be an imitation of Bowser laughing by the way.) It was awesome. Kind of Napolean Dynamite like in the fact that some parts were just plain random--but it was a hundredimes better than that.

Tonight I just finished watching Michael Clayton and Gone Baby Gone. Both quite good. Everything makes me cry so I won't tell you that I cried in both--I mean...Ah, just watch the movies and call me a blubbering over emotional teenager. That is what I am...

'Cause I was the one that said, "Damn it, this just isn't working."
And then the night I went to see him (that being my current significant other, a.k.a. my boy friend, a.k.a, Mike), I cried. I mean, of course I did. I love him. That is just the way it is and a long utterly ridiculous time ago I considered possibility of being with him for like... a long long time, a.k.a forever.

Forever is a stupid thing that nobody deserves to say to anyone. it--*curses sticky keyboard* It does not matter how much one thinks it is true, NEVER say it. Never put yourself through the pain of breaking your own stupid promise that you never should have made. Never. NEVER, okay?

So anyway, I cried. Cried somemore. Told him, 'Michael, this just isn't working."

...Then I suppose I cried even more. Went to his room, talked, cuddled--just like the two of us used to do--and just enjoyed the comfort of skin on skin, body heat and quiet breathing. Why wasn't it working?
- Over a month apart and when he sees me he just grabs my bags and runs off.
- We hardly talk to each other...
- I'm going to Vancouver. At least I keep telling myself that... (Nearly have my app done!)
- He will want the small town life--you know, kids, smelly cows, callused hands, quiet town, family around...
- I still say I hate everything.

I don't know how things will go. I'm just slipping back, preparing to let go and be let go of... I do hate everything at times.

My creative intellect is higher than it was a month ago but still, only about 30% efficiency. Damn the tendons with their tendonitis. It burns all the time.

I got this alien cut out thing started. Preping a peice of paper to do some watercolor on... Maybe I'll swim with a whale shark, maybe not... Either way I can draw it--or in this case paint it. Got I don't know how many other projects in mind/started.
- Castle, the one of popsicle sticks, I still want to do it. Therapy thing.
- The woman with the flowing hair and rainbow spectrum.
- Horse WIP - Planning to do a frozen main sticking up.
- Nuclear Extinctionist - Still hoping I will get lucky and find the anatomy of a bear in the right position.
- Alien cut out thing
- About a billion character sketches
- Friend requested a fairy
- Two toned woman
Um... Maybe something else. Forget.

School? What about school?

Ugh, boring sh--poop. Bio is great, getting along well with a stupid amount of homework that I somehow get done in class half the time. Social is boring as hell, hate it, hope I did good on the position paper because I didn't on the stupid unit test! English is rated as the most gruesome currently. The poems this year are so hard to interpret. Got about seven assignments to do, gotta start on my critical essay too--think I'm doing The Hollow Men--but at least I have my poem written out and my song all figured.